Who is the fairest.

fool

Poetry of the worst kind fills my head.
Words are scrambled, yet meaningful.
I try to act cool.
I try to hide.
My mask is slipping.
Revealing blood shot eyes.
A broken girl.
I am vulnerable.
I try to explain, but it’s just muffled noise.
The words fall on deaf ears.
I try to hold strong.
I try to be the rock.
My weakness is showing.
Revealing a frightened child.
A broken heart.
I am lonely.
I glimpse the same face, without my eyes.
I become the fool.

Smile

Silence
You can keep suppressing feelings, but eventually they’ll all come out.
After you’ve released them you’ll feel a little better.
Trips and falls usually follow.
Keep your chin up.
Hold your head up high.
It’ll all be okay.
You can play normal, but eventually your sanity will lessen.
You’ll go a little crazy, but it’ll only last a short while.
Kicks and screams will occur.
Keep your chin up.
Hold your head high.
It’ll all be alright.
You’ll always feel worse than that time before.
Soon you’ll come to realise it’s always the same.
Bumps and bruises all look the same.
Keep your chin up.
Hold your head high.
It’ll all be fine.

I don’t want it to be okay.
I don’t want it to be alright.
I don’t want it to be fine.
When comes my time?
For it to be great.
For it to be fantastic.
For it to be mine.

The Silence

Another piece from another time.

scream

The silence is deafening.
It’s although the nothingness is screaming its empty words in my ears through the darkness.
I can’t hear my heartbeat through the noise.
Am I dying?
Or is it just a the last strings of my sanity snapping?
Caught between two invented worlds.
Lost in the map of my mind, on the winding forked roads.
Which way to freedom?
Where do I go from here?
I find myself drowning in my tears.
Gasping for breath in the pools of hatred for myself.
Struggling and fighting for oxygen,
For freedom from this self torment.
How did things so easy become so complicated?
The silent screams grow stronger as I grow weaker.
Take my straying hand, and guide me blindly through.
Pull me from this darkness, before it takes over.

Seamless Romance.

This is a piece I wrote a while back, but I usually find myself coming back to it and I can relate more often than not…

Doll

Trying to hold all of my pieces in two hands.
Watching as I crumble and break.
Snapping and tearing at the seams.
I can’t hold all of me in.
I’m falling apart.
You have full control.
Pulling on my heart strings.
Master puppeteer.
You pull me up when I fall.
And with a slight of hand, I am on my back again.
Everything towers over me.
The pressure is rising.
My sanity slipping.
All seats taken.
To watch the show,
Of a broken girl.
Watch her dance,
Watch her fall.

My TRUTH about pregnancy.

Now before I begin I don’t want this to get twisted… I am more than happy about my pregnancy (or more the fact that at the end of this torture there will be a life. My life. A life that I’ve created. And I can’t imagine a more precious gift than the gift of giving life). And I absolutely can NOT wait for my little goblin to be in my arms where I can love them unconditionally until the day I die and thereafter. I also think that a lot of my grumpyness and reasoning for this post is that I’m a SUPER impatient person, and this pregnancy thing is taking too damn long! I want my baby and I want them now damnit! And it doesn’t help that I’m pretty much doing this all on my own. And I guess having a long list of mentality issues that make me a super sensitive person really doesn’t bode well either 😛

unconditional-love

I want to make this post so that more women don’t feel guilty about being saddened or grumpy about being pregnant. Because, let’s face it, it ain’t no picnic! And there’s nothing worse than having someone tell you that it’s the best feeling in the world, when you’re living day to day trying to be well, and get things done. It’s PERFECTLY normal and fine to be pissed about it. Our bodies are quite literally being used as an incubator for a living being. Which, thinking about it is freaking awesome and amazing. But at the same time, we’re suffering so much for it. I’m NOT saying that it won’t be worth it in the long run, I’m not saying that at all. Because of course it will be. That goes without saying. What I AM saying, is that we are well within our rights to be grumpy about it. And we shouldn’t have to pretend that everything is awesome, and we’re all fine and dandy just because people EXPECT it from us.

run

I keep hearing people say that it’s a happy time for Mums-to be. That it’s a time of wonder. That I’m blessed. What do I say to them? Are you having a fucking laugh!? I’m constantly sick, I have a trapped nerve in my back along with my ongoing Ankylosing Spondilitis (an aggressive form of arthritis in my lower back), my tits ache, I keep changing what I do and don’t like to eat (plus there’s this HUGE list of tasty stuff we’re not allowed to even go near!), some scents make me want to chuck up the contents of my stomach, I have the WORST migraines I’ve ever had in my life followed by being physically sick, I can’t poop, my ankles have began to swell, I can’t sleep, there’s a living being inside of me that’s literally eating me and shitting me out, it’s also using the umbilical cord as a chew toy and to play tug of war with, it’s kicking my ribs, poking at the nerve trapped in my spine and causing the weirdest sensation in my stomach I’ve ever had and much more funsies. I love my baby, God I love them. Don’t get me wrong. But my GOD are they making me poorly. And on top of all those symptoms there’s the mentality to think about. Lack of sleep is enough to make anyone cranky. So I’m always tense, tired, and upset. The tiniest little thing makes me cry for NO REASON at all. Because my hormones are upside-down and back-to-front. AND I get annoyed at the smallest of things and lash out at people just because they’re not pregnant. And not suffering. Bastards. How dare they not!

pregnant-sick

They also say that we’re supposed to have a glow. I’m halfway through my pregnancy and I don’t see any glow! Maybe when I’m super angry about something I glow red? That’s the only glow I’ve experienced! I see a tired pissed off woman who needs a long-ass beauty sleep whenever I look in the mirror!

reflection

And then there’s the women who’ve been pregnant before. And they tell me that they miss it. THEY MISS IT!? I look at them and nod, silently thinking that need to book themselves into the nearest mental asylum! They miss THIS? Not being able to remember what it’s like to get a good night’s rest. To be able to crap comfortably. And having all kinds of gross stuff happening “down there”? I think that somehow they’ve forgotten it all. Maybe they do something to them at the hospital? Some kind of after-pregnancy lobotomy? I’m keeping my guard up after I’ve had mine! There’s no way I’m going to forget this torment any time soon!

asylum

And I don’t voice these thoughts, or say anything to many people. Because I instantly get judged, and taken as a bad mother. For being honest. And I KNOW that they’ve thought and felt this when they’re pregnant. They must have. The few people I’ve opened up to about this have secretly agreed with every word. It’s just another one of those taboo subjects that’s never mentioned in fear of being outcast from society. Well fuck that! I KNOW that I’ll be an amazing parent because I’ll love my child unconditionally, and they will come before EVERYTHING, my needs, everything. Just like I do for my pets now. If I’m short one payday, I’ll ensure that my pets have everything they need, and go and buy a load of cheap stuff for me to survive on. And just because I’m severely disliking pregnancy, and almost everything about it, that does NOT make me a bad parent. It makes me an honest one. I’m also not saying that pregnancy is ALL bad, because it’s NOT. Despite being constantly poorly, knowing that I have a life inside of me, and that my body is helping it grow is pretty fucking sweet. And I’ll happily go through this for another 9 months knowing that by the end of it all there will be a child. MY child. I’m just venting the not-so-great parts that people seem to gloss over or forget about. And maybe there are women who enjoy this time, and I’m just a grumpy sod? Who knows. This is my story, and my version. MY truth.

secret

And I want any woman out there that feels the same way to NEVER be made to feel guilty about being unhappy whilst pregnant. It’s a mostly shit time. We’re hormonal, tired and poorly for 9 months. 9 whole months. And you should feel however you feel, and fuck anyone that judges you (Not literally, that will please them)! And this post is dedicated to YOU. To US. And to HONESTY. And whilst it’s all grim now, in months to come it will ALL be made worth it. We’ll have our young cradled close to ourselves where we can see and touch them. Where we can kiss and love them. And that, that will be one of the happiest times in our lives 🙂 And feeling baby move about, as not so pleasant it is physically, it’s pretty damn awesome knowing that they’re alive and kicking (literally), and just as importantly, healthy 😀 And we have boobs. Seriously, how awesome are our boobs right now?

And in case you missed it in my previous post, here’s my sprite 😀

Babyyyyyyy2

My Pets and Why They’re Amazing For my Mental Well-being.

I have a whole bunch of pets, and I once had more, but due to my pregnancy I had to begrudgingly re-home them 😦 However they have been taken in by loving and caring people that will provide for them. And I will have more time to give my baby the attention they need 🙂

My sprite 😀

Babyyyyyyy2

My pets consist of… A dog, cat, 12 female rats, 2 fire bellied toads, 2 axolotl, 2 crested geckos, 9 baby geckos and 6 crested gecko eggs (I breed crested geckos).

bluebellhuman

Living alone is obviously very lonely at times, and can make me super sad. And my dog seems to pick up on this, and acts like a complete retard resulting in my having fits of laughter at her. I’m sure she does it on purpose… For example, she’ll run around like a crazed animal with rabies, slip on the kitchen floor and land on her arse after a swift slide, roll around on the floor attacking invisible monsters and annoy the crap out of my cat until she retaliates and beats the shit out of her. If all that fails to cheer me up then she comes and sits on my lap for snuggles, and won’t allow me to type or do anything until I give her kisses. Even if I’m on the loo… I’m not kidding, she will climb up and park her ass right on me. Which of course, makes me feel better, and most importantly, loved.

This is my dog Anushka / Noo.

Noo

Animals are AMAZING for relieving stress. I mean cats help lower your blood pressure simply by petting their pretty fur, and making them vibrate and purr like a mini motorcycle. Plus when a cat actually decides to give you some attention, it’s pretty satisfying. I advise ANYONE who feels lonely to get a pet. It’s so rewarding to have a life in your hands and raise it well. And then you can reap the benefits of having something warm to cuddle up to on those lonely nights 🙂 Unless you get a goldfish… In that case I advise you keep it in water… Y’know, so it lives.

My cat Bluebell / Blueshit.

bluebellcute

And they keep you active too. On those days when you want to stay in bed and hide away from the world under the sweet embrace of you safety-blanket-duvet, you don’t have a choice. You HAVE to get up and walk them, feed them and love them. And stop them from knocking over the plants / eating your furniture. They NEED the attention. And by having to get up and do stuff, you find yourself pleasantly distracted from your woe and self pity. And start to feel like you’re achieving something. And you forget about your problems, and even if it’s for a second, that break in the darkness is super welcomed and beneficial.

And they steal all your tasties…

bluebellthief

I guess in all it depends what animal you take as your family member. It’s ALWAYS advised to do your research. And there’s so many different breeds of animals that all have different personalities. So it’s good to have a look at the behaviour of certain breeds and creatures. If you want something that you don’t have to handle often or worry about walking, then have a look at reptiles or fish 🙂 If you want something that ignores you and occasionally gives you cuddles when it’s bored or wants feeding / letting out, then get a cat. If you want something that needs walks and is completely batshit insane and craves cuddles, then get a dog 🙂 And there’s insects, snails, birds, ALL sorts. And they all give out different rewards. Plus it all makes you feel pretty awesome to keep a living thing. Like you’re accomplishing something.

And they pull the BEST faces.

noochew

So what do I say when someone says they’re lonely or depressed? Well, I offer them my services obviously, but I also advise them to get a pet. Because I can’t be there all the time and snuggle them at night. But an animal can give you what you need, and fill that void in your heart. Plus they’re amazingly hilarious. Watching a cat attempt a jump and fail is one of the BEST things EVER. And watching a dog chase it’s own tail, or chew on it’s OWN paws or try to bite water for hours is incredibly funny.

noochair

So if you feel you’re missing something, give a pet a go. But only if you can provide for them and commit to them for the rest of their lives. Don’t go into it head on and rush. Take your time to choose out which creature is best for you, and make sure that you can give them the things they need. And once you’ve done all that, you can enjoy your time with them 🙂

animalsbed

My pets really are my life and they bring me more joy than any human being has ever come close to. They don’t care about my mentality or whether I’ve not showered in weeks, and they have stuck with me through EVERYTHING. I’d honestly be completely lost without them. And I’m very grateful to have such wonderful creatures in my life ^__^”

nookisses

noocuddles

10 Things You Shouldn’t Say to Someone With BPD.

Now there is a LOT that can upset someone that has feelings off the radar, because everything can be taken negatively and personally. However, there are some key things that just shouldn’t be said. EVER. And if you think about it, there’s nothing anyone can really say or do that would hurt us most than the torment we put ourselves through. Those demons we live with daily that constantly put us down, tell us we’re shit people, not worth anything and never will be, the world is far better off without us and nobody will ever truly understand and love us. It’s hard enough batting those make-believe downers away, and when a real-life person confirms our thoughts it just amplifies their shouts. And then we’re back in that dark room, thinking of ways to hurt ourselves physically to stop the pain. Ironic, no?

demons

1) You’re overreacting.

No, we’re not. We’re reacting. We feel every emotion X10 compared to the average person. Imagine living like that. Imagine being so out of control with your feelings, and then being told that your feelings are wrong. We can’t predict ourselves or when our next outburst will be, because we ourselves just don’t know. Just try and imagine that. Imagine not knowing how you’re going to react to anything, or how much it’s going to spiral out of control and kill us a little inside. And we’re so cripplingly afraid of being alone, and abandoned by those we love, because 9/10 it’s happened before because people couldn’t “handle” us. And then tell us we’re overreacting.

alone

2) You’re being manipulative.

Are we balls! We’re so consumed by our demons and fears, we don’t have time to think of a master plan to control you. We can’t even control OURSELVES! Don’t be so fucking ridiculous.

dickdastardly

3) You need to “get over it” and “pull your socks up”.

Ah yes! Brilliant! Why didn’t I think of that before!? What a genius plan! When you’re emotionally retarded and eating yourself up from the inside, we can’t just flip a switch and go “all better!”, you absolute dick dribble. Try being a little more sensitive.

pullyoursocksup

4) Don’t worry about it.

I can’t NOT worry about it. I’m trying not to, believe me. I don’t want to worry about it, and I’m worrying about worrying about the worrying! Welcome to the chaos!

worry

5) Isn’t there anyone you can talk to?

Yes, YOU! That’s why I’m talking to you about it. And now I’m all pissed and upset because you don’t want to help me unravel my brain spirals, and want to fob me off to someone else. CHRIST! It takes a LOT for anyone, sanity or no, to ask for advice or help. So how about you be a pal and “pull your socks up” and give me some damn advice!?

you

6) You’ll be fine.

How do you know? I might not be!? Things might work out, they might not. I know that it will eventually stop hurting, but I’m never going to be fine. I’m still going to need help, advice, someone to talk to and the occasional cuddle.

hug

7) You need help.

I KNOW, that’s why I’m talking to YOU! And I’m aware of my diagnosis, and I’ve been everywhere practically begging for help most of my life, you fucking plank. Pointing out the obvious is helping nobody.

shrink

8)  You shouldn’t have done that.

REALLY!? Well thank you Captain Hindsight! Oh how your observation skills have helped me. Idiot.

Captain_Hindsight_766605

9) You’re crazy.

No, not entirely. I’ve just got this thing that makes me pretty emotional. And you being all negative Nancy on my ass isn’t making those emotions chill out any.

crazy

10) You’re too much to handle.

I’m really not. I understand that my emotions and outbursts are a lot to take in, and I respect your decision to walk away. But if you’d have done the research on my condition like I’d asked, and put as much effort into this as I had, then there would be nothing to “handle“. And I’m not a toy, I’m a person. I’m not to be handled or controlled, I’m to be loved and understood.

understood

Friendships and Relationships

Having Borderline Personality Disorder makes maintaining and keeping healthy and happy relationships, of all kinds, super difficult. For both sides. The person with the illness lashes out and constantly fears abandonment and being alone in the world…

foreveralone2

And that’s a lot of pressure to put on anyone. And so I’ve found that 98% of the time that fear of being alone and abandoned comes true because I’ve pushed those people I care about so far away, in fear. What a fecking roundabout! There’s only so much anyone can take. And it fucking blows. I’m aware of all my issues, but it doesn’t make it any easier, and I still cock up royally more often than not.

However! Fear not! Because there is faith in the human race! And there are people in the world for us crazies! I have a best friend who has stuck with me throughout everything. All my emotional turmoil, my stinking like an old used gym sock that’s been stuck under a locker for 5 years, my anger and frustration and lashing out like a complete and utter dickhead, everything. And we’ve been friends for 5-6 years now. Solid friends. And I’m super fucking lucky to have him in my life. He is my support network, and I’m more than happy to call him my friend Pete.

My pal and I 🙂 (He’s also totally single…)

myfriendpete

Now friendships are a little less complicated and easier to maintain than lovers. Because there’s a lot less of that oxytocin hormone flying all over the place making us mental people even more mental (oxytocin is the hormone released after screwing someone we fancy. It’s that hormone that makes us want more of the good stuff, and makes us send those hundred text messages asking when we’re next seeing them, and wondering what we’ve done wrong when they’re busy with other stuff). I’ve had a fair few relationships with a many variety of people, and many different rules laid out. I’ve had some healthy, and some majorly screwed up. But in almost all cases I end up on my own and feeling sorry for myself. With my cat. Eating 20 bags of crisps. And wondering why I can’t just be “normal“. And it’s all usually because I got pissed about something the average person considers a small thing, and blew it way out of proportion because that’s how I feel, and how my brain interprets it. BPD can suck a dick. I always end up facepalming myself because I’ve made such a colossal mistake that just can’t be undone, no matter how many ways I say “I’m sorry”. What a major tit.

Frustration

But it’s not that way for everyone. I’ve heard stories, and I know a couple of people with BPD that have had awesome relationships, and some are still in them, and they’re happy. They’ve managed to find someone that accepts them honestly and truly, and just isn’t one of those people who makes the promise to be there, but fucks off at the first hurdle.

I think that the best thing to do is to openly explain what it’s like having BPD, and how much it is to handle from the off. Ask them to do some research on it when they have a spare few minutes. And if it scares them away, then they weren’t going to last long anyway, and you can move on to the next! Take your time, and explain that it’s like having all your nerves exposed, and that whatever kind of feelings you have it is amplified X10. And you’re not overreacting, you’re simply reacting. Just a hell of a lot more than the average person would. Because you’re suffering inside on a daily basis. And that going a day without a breakdown is a good day!

But for the now I’ve decided to put love on hold. I’ve got bigger fish to fry, and I’m clearly not stable enough just yet. But I’ve not given up. And I never will. I’ll find my mate fo’ lyfe one day, I’m sure of it. But until then, I’m going to chill with my cat and dog, eating my crisps and watching my favourite TV shows. I’m sure I’ll have days where I feel sorry for myself, and cry into one of my pets while they claw desperately to get away from the crazy needy bitch. But I have every faith that it will all work out in the end 🙂

Again, if anyone has any questions about anything, or feels alone and abandoned don’t hesitate to email me. I’m slow at replying, but I will get round to it 🙂 You’re not alone, and you’re not the only person feeling that way. There’s thousands of us with BPD, and it’s important to interact with someone that understands. It makes you feel a little less alone and mental!

And until next time, here’s a picture of a cat with a boner for pizza.

pizzacat

Not enough information on the internet. THE INTERNET!?

Basically the whole point of me opening a WordPress account and starting this whole blog thing is completely down to anger and frustration. Now I’m not all pissy and moody. And I don’t often rant about things, unless I’m MAJORLY passionate about them… Anger

However…

My name is Jynx, I’m 25 years young and I’m a “sufferer” or a “victim” of Bordeline Emotional Personality Disorder… I’m a special case so I get an extra word. Emotional. Lucky me 😀 And I’m also pregnant (which I’m incredibly stoked about, and I can’t wait to shit my baby out of my vagina and give them cuddles, kisses and love. Even if they are covered in gross pregnant bodily fluids and look like an extra from The Walking Dead or a creature from Dead Space. That baby is going to get loved the crap out of.), and this means that on top of my usual tendencies to go off the rails and lash out and fuck things up, I’m doing an even BETTER job at it with my high rise of awesome pregnancy hormones. Funsies!

I’ve been so bloody emotional. Literally anything and everything will make me cry. Which is to be expected in pregnancy. However it’s up tenfold because of my dumbass chemical imbalance. So I get those dark thoughts, and want to just give up on everything and doss around my flat in my underwear singing sad songs to my cat. And then I feel even more shit because pregnancy is supposed to be a happy time for Mums-to-be. I keep looking in the mirror and staring at my haggered face and blood shot eyes thinking “where the fuck is my glow!?”. However! I refuse to be dragged down yet again by my god-damn self pity. I will not become that stinking pile of woe! I have a sprite growing in my womb to think about, and it can’t be nice for them to hear Mum sob like she’s drowning in custard! And there are LOADS of people out there far worse than me. I’m so lucky to have an amazing friend that I can rely on day or night for anything, I have my own place, my pets and a baby on the way. There ARE positives, I just need to remember them when I’m in that dark room. So BE GONE FOUL HORMONES!

And while in this pit of despair last night, I turned to the internet for guidance for some kind of advice from people who have the same mental illness and are currently / have been pregnant (because I’m not great with the whole “talking” thing with real life people, and it’s way easier to hide behind my laptop. Plus I don’t have to get dressed, comb my hair and act like a civilized human being. I can sit in my pants, with my smudged mascara and various sauce stains on my shirt and not feel uncomfortable about it). And I found the odd forum. And in said forums there was little help or guidance for the poor souls. Instead I read in one particular one a poor lass getting bombarded with nothing but “You’ll be a shit mum, and fuck your kids up because you’re mental”, which obviously didn’t help my mental being or fears of fucking up. AND SO… I decided to write down my thoughts and feelings here on this very website, in the hopes that someone will find some kind of answer and comfort. It all made me feel so bloody miserable, to the point I turned my computer off (I NEVER turn my computer off unless it really needs to chill for a bit. The internet is my LIFE! It has cats doing funny shit, and all the latest on Marvel. It’s beautiful…).

JUST BECAUSE someone has a mental illness of any kind doesn’t mean they’ll be a shite parent. Fact. I know plenty of perfectly “stable” and “normal” human beings that are absolutely crap at that particular job, and I also know many who have a fuck-ton of issues and are amazing Mums and Dads. If anything I think that being more aware and in touch with your feelings means that you are more understanding and empathetic. Which in turn, to me, is a bloody good trait for a parent to have! If you’re a cunt, it has nothing to do with mentality, it’s just that you’re a cunt. And if you’re a swell person, then good on you, keep that shit up!

I found myself trying to sleep and thinking of all the things I’d read in those forums, and worrying that I’d be a crap Mum and screw my child up. I hadn’t even CONSIDERED all that until I clicked on those forums. What a load of shite, and what a bunch of insensitive piss-weasles! “WELL!” I thought, “I’m not letting them get to me, or bring me down. I know who I am, and I know I’m going to be the best I can be, and my child will get nothing but love and be nurtured to infinity and beyond! And I’m going to start a blog to air my thoughts and feelings, and hopefully someone, somewhere will smile at something I said, and it’ll make them feel good. And that in itself is enough to keep me smiling!”.

So that’s about it really. I’ll be on here updating, ranting and writing down my thoughts and feelings. So watch this space. And feel free to get in touch if you want any help, or a reality bitch slap. I’ll happily tell you that you’re awesome, and shouldn’t listen to the haters and people who simply don’t understand. And I’m gonna find me some inner peace, and share it with y’all!

innerpeace